Andrew Hunter Interfaith Minister
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Some of my clients would prefer to use the word “finding” the right partner, but they won’t do anything to go out and find. I prefer to think in terms of attracting.
Wouldn't it be great to be able to pick the relationships that you want in this life? No more having romantic problems or problems with friends but just the end all be all kind of relationship that makes you joyous to wake up in the morning. Just log on to findtherightpartner.com and let cyberspace do the rest. Each colleague would be on your side and the people who surround you exactly what you had always hoped for.
This is possible but it takes some effort and thought changes on your part; and it will only happen if you think you are worth it and really let go your limiting beliefs of life has to be perfect (it doesn’t and it isn’t) , you have to please others (no you don’t – you can choose), you never get things right (also not true – your whole body system every day is doing things right – it’s just your limited and erroneous thinking that doesn’t get it right) etc etc
Most people don’t attract their “perfect” mate because they either have no clear idea what they really want and / or they spend too much time comparing with previous relationships and settling for second best.
But do you really know what you want and desire? I bet you don’t! Cos it’s all a jumble in your head.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to make a list of all the qualities that you would like in the preferred relationship. If it is a soul mate relationship you want then write the list of the spiritual qualities that best describe who you would like. If it is a loving intimate relationship, again list the qualities the person ideally would have. (Your soul mate is NEVER your nearest and dearest by the way! They are usually the person who also provides a fair measure of challenge and opportunities for growth.)
Do the same for any kind of relationship you seek. Create that person on a piece of paper. Leave what they look like out of the equation for the moment and just dwell on what it would be like if someone of all the specifications you listed really existed. Do not build a person who already exists! (I mean why aren’t you in a relationship with them already?) The universe will align you with them if they match the full specification. And you won’t be satisfied. Perhaps the specification isn’t as full as you wanted; may mean you need to take this more seriously and spend more time on the specification. (Most people in my experience just are too lazy to do this!) It’s less hassle to live in HOPE that Mr Right or Miss Right will suddenly ring the door bell one night!
If you struggle, first write a list of what you don’t want, then convert that into a list of the opposite (what you do want) then delete the “don’t want” list. Do not give the “don’t” list energy. The Universe will bring what you focus on!!!! That includes the don ‘ts!
After the list, start playing with images of what you would do with this person and make sure to include all the qualities for your ideal relationship. Maybe you see travelling and enjoying each other’s company at dinner, or attending musical concerts or opera, or debating the issues of world importance, talking respectfully and with heart. Be sure to create an image you can really get into. Feel it, taste it, hear it, sense it, experience it – all in your imagination, as if it is happening NOW. This is important because you are building, at this very moment, what you want to happen. If you create in your mind and you visualise it in the future then the universe picks up your vibrations and in the future it will stay, out of reach! But if you envision it in the NOW then the Universe works in the present.
Now look at that list again and go through it with a fine tooth comb asking yourself “do I have this quality?” And if not, then start to train yourself, to learn, how you can develop that quality. If you are looking for someone who is very patient and you do not have patience, you will ultimately test their patience and push them away. If you want someone who has the quality of good listening and you are a bad listener, then ultimately, your bad listening will drive them away. So everything you look for in them, you need to develop in yourself! Really get this! They are not there to make you complete. They really are not your other half – the half you don’t have!
Now, you were asked not to focus on the physical appearance. You may have a sketchy image, maybe colour of hair, eyes, but leave the rest to the Universe. People’s images change. We all get wrinkles and age lines! All our bits eventually defy gravity and sag more than when we were young. So by not focussing on the Adonis or page three model you leave the Universe room to find someone who fits with your ideal inner qualities which are more fundamental to a relationship than mere looks. If you attach specific looks and qualities, you give the Universe a tougher task. Think computer search engine – if you give it something too vague, you get millions of site returns. If you give it too much, equally it gives you lots of irrelevant sites, but give it the basics (ie the qualities) and it brings up better matches.
Then every day, visualise your desires, bring them to life in your imagination. Notice the opportunities that now come to you; bumping into someone in the supermarket, going for a meeting and the person you had arranged to meet is not there and has been replaced by someone else, travelling by train and meeting people when normally you would go by car and meet no one. It’s called synchronicity – the Universe in action.
Keep living life, get on with life, in full expectation that the right person will come to you at the right time and space sequence. And STOP comparing against other partners. Don’t ruminate over “well, I have this relationship with John and he ticks some of the boxes BUT …..” This is a waste of energy and brings more John like people into your life - because the Universe gives you what you focus on and what you are focussing on is what you don’t want or second best!
Now the Universe is not going to give you Mr Perfect first time off. I love lamb as a meal and in my village there are four restaurants serving lamb each of which I tried before I found the one where all the factors came together – beautifully cooked lamb, immaculate service. But the Universe led me first to all four. What I am saying is, we still have free will and God, the Universe will simply give you possibilities. You have to try them out!
Each person who comes into your life helps you get closer and closer to what you want; in some cases you realise you are more closely matched to your desire and in others, you know more clearly what you don’t want and can readjust your “order to the cosmic kitchen!” As time evolves, you will find that each person you meet gets closer and closer to matching all the qualities you asked for; and at some point, unless things HAVE to be perfect (which is an illusion), you will reach a point where you think someone who ticks 35 out of the 45 tick boxes is just fine. Who is ever or stays perfect – except in their original free-from-sin form inside.
Whoever the Universe sends your way – ALWAYS be grateful. Be grateful for those who take you closer to your dream and grateful for those who help you clarify what you don’t want. Just BE grateful. I believe that God is quite human and probably will be saying, “Well why should I give her / him any more if s/he isn’t grateful for what I am doing for him / her?” Think about it. If a friend asks for your advice over and over and never takes it, at what point do you say, enough is enough?
And I repeat, if you dwell on past relationships, what they were or weren’t, or worry about never getting what you want, you will continue to create just that. If you sit in sadness with your quadruple gin and thimbleful of tonic and ruminate that you fail at relationships and never get a nice “other” – then guess what, that’s what you are creating. I have seen time after time clients who in the session with me will create the ideal image of the ideal relationship and then blow it out by negative thinking, ignoring opportunities (because they are not right) and by scratching the wound of past unhealed relationships. Why would Mr or Miss Brilliance come into your life if you are still grumbling over past partners? Who needs that energy of comparison! Accept people for who they are. Comparisons are odious. For God’s sake and yours learn to truly forgive, let go, and move on! Remember, the Universe, God, brings you that which you focus your energy on. I have clients who say in one sentence, “I really want an intimate long-term relationship” and then take 20 minutes to pull apart all previous relationships in their life! The energy goes to those 20 minutes and simply creates more of the same.
But take that example again – notice how in one sentence they are so non-specific. I once had a client who steadfastly refused to paint the picture of what she wanted. “I just want to be in an intimate long term relationship,” she persisted. A year later, she reported she had met and was in a relationship with a woman and that what I espoused was sheer garbage. (A stronger word was used.) A further year on and this had broken down and she was looking for a man. But she continued to refuse to think about the qualities she looked for in the man and in the relationship (both are essential) and many years later, she is old and lonely and quite bitter. For me the sadness is that this woman has so much to give but she is just too stubborn to do the work. Her take on life is “Why shouldn’t I have a partner?” but will do nothing to shift the attitudes and mindsets that are preventing her from achieving her life dream. She is expecting it just to happen without effort.
So be clear in the qualities of the person, the qualities of the relationship – write lists for both then live in trust and faith and expect and live life joyously and you will find that the person you created will come into your life not necessarily now but when the time is right. But whilst you patiently wait, get on with the joy of living. When you least expect it, and where you least expect it, your vision will appear. It can happen through any means when you trust and expect and know that the Universe is bringing you just what you desire. But notice the wording – is bringing you! If I put an order into the chef in the cosmic kitchen, I don’t go into the kitchen to ensure he is on the case, I sit, and trust, and get on with life, knowing that at some level he is in the process of bringing me what I ordered.